Dear Readers,

I promise some new social commentary and icons in the coming weeks, but in the meantime, enjoy laughs that don’t involve too much reading, downloading, or thinking.

First off, this arrived in my Brooklyn/Staten Island region Valu-Pak™. File this under “I shit you not.”

Haha! Doody!

Next, I took a break from some serious work in Photoshop for this one. The issue of Cingular’s brand reversion to AT&T has been hashed out to death over the last few months; why trash an innocuously pleasant image that you’ve spent years marketing for one that represents old, boring and corrupt? The AT&T logo has been compared to the Death Star from some sort of science fiction movie series since I was in grammar school, but I figured:

In conclusion: (a) how many computer animated penguin films does it take to topple a civilization and (2) why come the AppleTV doesn’t have CoverFlow™?

Technorati Tags: appletv, at&t, brooklyn, cingular, death star, doody, penguins, coverflow, star wars, staten island, valu-pak

I find the Village Voice is useful for three things: dates and times for professional cover bands playing B.B. King’s club, tidying up after your dog, and free packing materials for sending your bricked Xbox 360 back to Microsoft. But also they are the Brian DePalmas to my Alfred Hitchcock.

My entry from last summer.
Rob Harvilla’s article from this week.

Technorati Tags: alfred hitchcock, bb king, brian depalma, microsoft, rob harvilla, village voice, xbox 360

Not to be outdone by the Police reuniting and going on tour, I, Mendelini, have decided to come back to the icon game after five years. Instead of a lengthy diatribe about why or how, I’m just going to unleash the damn thing and let you people enjoy it. Do let me know what you think, as I may be inspired to make more icons in the near future. And while you’re here, be sure to check out the last three years worth of crazy blog.

These icons are donationware, so they’re free. But if you are inclined to donate to my replace-my-seven-year-old-G4 cause, feel free to PayPal me!

Download for Mac OS X

Download for Windows (ICO files)

Download for CandyBar (To use this file, you need CandyBar from Panic - not affiliated with this blog, but they make killer software for the Mac like Transmit, which PWNS all other FTP browsers!)

Download for Pixadex (To use this file you need Pixadex from the Iconfactory; they made this world, I’m just playing in it)

Download PNGs

Click this thing to see a screenshot of all of the icons!

Update: Because all the n00bs seem to have the same problem using these icons, please follow this link which details how to change the icons in Mac OS X without additional software (plus it also features Monoliff!)

Knight’s HowTo: Change Icons

Technorati Tags: candybar, iconfactory, icons, mac, mendelini, pixadex, png, police, sting, transmit, windows

Please choose from the following story arcs:

• Psychologically troubled sibling
• Fall in love with colleague
• Trouble with pregnancy
• Reconnecting with problematic parent
• Drug problem
• Hospital administration scrutinizes radical decision even though the right call was clearly made
• Patient/Family of patient returns to cause trouble
• Huge transportation accident (during sweeps) brings hospital staff out; lots of slo-mo and hero music
• That fucking helicopter
• Post-traumatic stress disorder from outside factor effects work
• Trouble deciding between surgical and emergency
• Extra special moments (also during sweeps)

Next: how to write an episode of Law & Order? Throw a rock at a newspaper and ask your grandchild for dialogue!

Technorati Tags: er, law and order, nbc

I don’t think that irony was invented before 1992.

Technorati Tags: mr. t

If anyone wants to take me on in Lumines Live for Xbox Live Arcade, I will kick your ass.

Technorati Tags: lumines, xbox live arcade

I think that I’ve hated the Grammy awards my entire life. Overproduced mutual-masturbation bonanzas like the Oscars and the Emmys tend to acknowledge small pockets of merit among the chaff on the rare occasion, but the Grammys generally nominate based on sales. This usually means a lot of the facile mall-shit I hate gets felt up while the year’s (or whatever bizarre calendar they go on) true gems go unnoticed.

Well this year, I had an epiphany and I think I might forgive the Grammys: out of curiosity, I gave the list of nominees a glance. Of course - the major categories were loaded up with Mary J. Blige’s some-shit about “her man,” John Mayer’s blah blah plagiarism of Curtis Mayfield and the Impressions, or a series of yawns from the Dixie Chicks. But for what was represented by the horrible mainstream, there was about tenfold of the most arcane: Best Croatian Power Balad, Achievement in Binaural Mixing by a Shetland Sheltie, Best Album in the field of Siberian Puke-Singing…and so on.

My grand revelation was that by the end of compiling this exhausting and extensive list, the Nomination Committee is so worn out that they say “fuck it,” slot in whatever the dart hits on the Billboard Hot 100 and then go to bed on a pile of money. Bless their shriveled little hearts.

That’s not really the great news though - today’s gift is that I learned that one of my favorite bands like ever, James, has reunited after five years, is touring and working on new stuff.

So fuck you if that doesn’t make you happy.

Technorati Tags: billboard, curtis mayfield, dixie chicks, emmys, grammys, james, john mayer, mary j. blige, oscars, the impressions

Today is the sort of day that people like Pat O’Brien and Mary Hart (going on the assumption that she is not entirely machine just yet) live for: Anna Nicole Smith is dead. As of right now, various news outlets are stretching what little detail is available to the press by discussing CPR and blood clots with Sanjay Gupta in hopes that a police press conference breaks out with the chocolatey goodness of foul play.
I’m putting my money on the theory that Anna Nicole Smith’s creepy, omnipresent “attorney” Howard K. Stern is somehow responsible for both her death and her son’s death last fall. Is it me or does this guy remind you of Senator Palpatine, controlling the absurdist puppet show while that oil fortune gets bounced around and people die of mysterious circumstances? He silently lurks in the shadows, twisting his hypothetical moustache, “soon I will have a new apprentice!”

At the end of the day, Anna Nicole’s death is tragic, even though it was prophesied by Nostradamus, sensed by dogs and shown on the jumbotron during last week’s Super Bowl. In short, you wake up one day and it’s Thursday. As the world grieves, I have no doubt that we will see many programs spanning basic cable celebrating the culmination of her life and career.

Which is…?

Technorati Tags: anna nicole smith, howard k. stern, mary hart, nostradamus, palpatine, pat o’brien, sanjay gupta, super bowl

I’ve said it before, but Dateline NBC’s “To Catch a Predator” series - the American Idol of would-be child molesters - is amongst the greatest things to happen to TV since Desi Arnaz invented the three camera system.

Much like Cops, Jerry Springer and the Osbornes, there is gold in what you don’t hear: the liberal use of the censorship bleep creates comedy unto itself, creating funny while masking the dirty underneath. But those shows also gave us the gift of the uncut with the medium of the DVD, and I ask that Dateline do the same (or iTunes, etc.). When the almighty Chris Hansen descends with all his righteousness upon the pervert, I want to hear him say “so, when you wrote ‘I wanna —- on your —- and then —- all over your —- with a —- and then put some —- in your —- with some —-” the way the pervert who had the IM conversation THE WAY HE INTENDED!

Technorati Tags: american idol, censorship, chris hansen, cops, dateline nbc, desi arnaz, jerry springer, iTunes, the osbornes, to catch a predator

First off, happy 2007. Second, I apologize for the long absence, as the world has been less than inspiring in the last month.

There’s a Transformers movie coming out this July; I’d be the worst sort of liar if I said I wasn’t looking forward to it (despite being directed by Michael Bay; I awake at night sometimes, screaming and thinking that I’m still in the theater watching Bad Boys II - damn that movie was so long it made Return of the King look like a trailer - i.e. short, stupid!). Ten years ago, the idea of a big-budget Transformers movie would have seemed a misguided gamble, but a pattern has emerged that today’s marketing executives should seriously consider.

Let’s go back twenty years!

1. Put together a reasonably low-budget television show to market toys sold at a high profit-margin.
2. Gear both the show (loss) and the toys (gain) towards the under-10 crowd in middle to upper class households whose parents/guardians have become so overworked and jaded with life that they should have no problem spending $20-100 on said toys to shut kids up.
3. Kids grow up and dispense with toys - but not with the memories.
4. Kids go to college and are now surrounded by new faces they need to impress; irony impresses everyone.
5. At freshman orientation party, random kid says or sings catchphrase or theme song from the show (ironically), everyone stops and realizes that they were all into it, awesome conversation ensues. “Oh yeah!” said several dozen times during conversation.
6. T-Shirt company licenses iconography from show/toy line, college students ironically wear t-shirts, more conversations ensue.
7. Hollywood executive lifts head from desk to take phone call from son/daughter at college.
8. Market research.
9. College students graduate, live horrible lives.
10. Picture greenlit.
11. Nostalgia reaches fever pitch, major motion picture based on twenty-year-old property is released.

And there you have it. I foresee some kind of Thundercats project (or some other hot 1980’s property) in the wings should Transformers bank well, and in ten years, we’ll see live-action Pokemon; in twenty, we’ll see a Bratz motion picture, and so on.

I call it the twenty year rule; every decade since the Sixties has had some kind of nostalgic revival or sorts. It happens when people of the same age come together later in their lives, but not so late as to miss the death of the inner child - and what better place than college - and talk about how great the mutually shared things were when they were kids. In the past, it was often agreed that childhood was a horrible tapestry of polio, farm work and orphanages, but in the years following World War II, television and marketing turned all that on its ear. Being a kid turned out to be great; then Kennedy was assassinated and the Vietnam War happened and adult life seemed like a nightmare. American Graffiti, Grease, and Happy Days are all awful to me, but they are basically shiny big pills for the people in the 70s to take and go back to their pleasant, untainted pasts. HAPPY DAYS! Not Shitty Days!

So right now, in the wake of 9/11, the war in Iraq, and general modern malaise, the marketing powers that be are going after our childhoods - and its not the zeitgeist we remember - it’s the marketing…

Technorati Tags: 9/11, american graffiti, bratz, college, grease, iraq, irony, jfk, marketing, michael bay, pokemon, happy days, return of the king, thundercats, transformers, vietnam