Though his proper credit has been lost in the colloquy of popular culture noise, Andy Warhol once said that “in the future, everyone would be famous for fifteen minutes.” Now, seeing as that Andy Warhol has been very dead for a while, it is safe to say that it is the future, and much like the metrics of Moore’s Law need tooling as new technology emerges, the “15 Minutes Theorem” also requires a tad maintaining here and there. So without further ado, please calculate your, your neighbor’s or your favorite celebrity’s temporal market worth!

Stage One: Career
Average Joe (+0)
Entertainer (+15)
Professional Athlete (+15)
Politician (+15)
Journalist (+15)
Municipal Worker (-15)
Overweight Teen Did Something Stupid On YouTube.com (+15)

Oh no! Your career is over!

Stage Two: The Comeback
Spouse Murdered (+15)
Genitals Displayed On Internet/Live Television (+15)
Reality TV (+15)
Blackberry Hacked (+5)
Sex Tape Leaked To Pornographers (+15)
Sex Tape Deliberately Leaked To Pornographers (-10)
Enjoy Life Out Of The Public Eye (+0)

Now what?

Stage Three: Retired Life
Mutilated In Accident (+15)
Spouse Murdered (+15)
Guest Judge On American Idol (+15)
Child Becomes Famous (+5)
Commercials To Raise Awareness About Your Chronic Illness (+15)
Bankruptcy (+15)
Combination Of Prescription And Illegal Substances Creates Ideal Condition For You To Hang Out Naked By A Major Highway (+25)
Suicide (+15)
New York Times Crossword Puzzle (+0)

The End?

Stage Four: Your (Im)mortality
Die; Media Outlets Remember You Fondly (+15)
Murder/Suicide (+15)
Star In “Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” (-10)
Crushed In Mail Sorting Machine (-15)
Pact With Satan (+100)
Augmented With Machinery, Rule Small Sovereignty Until The Sun Explodes (+25)
Lifeless Corpse Placed Jokingly In Urinal, Stops No One (-125)

Let’s Add Up Those Scores
Less Than 0: Unfortunately bitterness will change nothing
0 - 15: You have maintained your dignity even if your name doesn’t ring a bell
15 - 30: As long as VH-1 signs the checks, you don’t care
30 - 45: You killed her, you junkie, and you fucking know it!
45 - 60: The claw marks you have left on the face of society are evidence of your desire to stay relevant. What is it you are famous for again?
60+: You will benefit greatly from a merger of TV Guide and McGraw-Hill. And you are feared by many.

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