For many cycles of the great moon, our species, a noble fusion of Grizzly and Polar bears has existed in secret as the International Brotherhood of Grolarizzy Bears. In silence have we traversed the tundras; cloaked in the night we have made our existence scarce. However, the events of yesterday have exposed us to a cruel and uncaring world of humanity
and after so long, we feel we must make our collective voice heard.

Yesterday, on Banks Island in Canada, our comrade Roger Cummings was shot and killed by American big game hunters; Roger was a Grolarizzy. Humanity had long conducted forced breeding in your zoos in order to simulate our kind, but our occurrence in nature was heretofore unknown. With the unfortunate death of Roger, the proverbial cat is out of the
bag. And while the Brotherhood is not happy about Roger’s fate, we are willing to let it slide for now as long as we can reach several agreements so that man and Grolarizzy can coexist.

The following are our demands:

1. We don’t like the term “Bear Market” in regards to when the stock exchange is experiencing a downturn. A bear would eat and mutilate a stock broker, meanwhile a bull - as in “Bull Market,” the opposite of “Bear Market” - would merely gore them, lacking the incisors and pointy claws to do any serious brutalization. The term “bullshit” is used to indicate deception or lack of worth, but is the term “bearshit” indicative of truthfulness or merit given the arbitrary nature of this supposed dichotomy? We think not. Changing the term to reflect our pride and honor would be a first step in a mutual understanding between our two peoples. It is worth noting that the difference between a bull and a hamburger is Rocky Mountain Oysters.
2. If we have to hear that god damned James Blunt “You’re Beautiful” song again, you’re all done. Like “got ate by a bear” done.
3. We all know that bees make honey, bears love honey, and that humanity has long controlled the means of production. We want some action.
4. Picnic baskets placed strategically and abundantly throughout the arctic circle, filled preferably with food from Zabar’s; if we find anything less “noshworthy” in there, we’re going to eat a child every ten minutes until the problem is rectified.
5. iPod nanos for each Grolarizzy family.
6. Shoulder-mounted RPGs, automatic firearms, three Bell Huey UH-1N helicopters, and a Blackbird stealth fighter. Also night-vision equipment. If the aforementioned specifications are met, then our two species can coinhabit the earth together. If they are not we are going to have a problem, that problem being that we can - and will - eat you. Trust us, this is a very generous offer. You would never get this kind of deal from the sharks.

Signed,