Dear Patriots:

Regardless of who wins today’s election, there will be one forgone conclusion as to the overall loser – the taste buds of the American people.

Since Plymouth Rock landed on the first Americans (you remember them as the ones that were persecuted in their native England for wearing belts on their hats) three centuries ago, we have partaken in a yearly feast of turkey, a bird so stupid and ugly that consumption of such a beast seems dubiously arbitrary.

How retarded is the turkey? So retarded that anyone can create an accurate depiction of one using a crayon, construction paper, and five fingers (this is why the turkey was the bane of Django Rheinhardt’s existence).

So what does the turkey mean to America? Absolutely nothing. In fact, the fowl shares its name with a country with whom our relations have been shaky at best in recent years. Why must we eat something that is associated with the former seat of power of the “lame” Ottoman Empire?

It’s unpatriotic! Down with this Turkocracy, say I!

And what winged creature do we eat in its stead on Thanksgiving?

Bald fucking eagle.

That’s right. That’s fucking right. When we eat turkey, we taste Boar’s Head, tryptophan, and Suleiman the Magnificent who ruled during the 16th Century B.F. (that stands for “before freedom”). When you eat bald eagle – which I am sure is mindbogglingly delicious – you taste Manifest Destiny, the Emancipation Proclamation, and four of the Supreme Court justices. One eagle could likely feed a party of three, with plenty of wing meat to go around, so I would recommend buying as many birds as your plans dictate plus more. Stuffing is a must, and the organs will likely be salvageable, because pure liquid liberty once pumped through them. Expect that when Martha Stewart returns to us, we will be privy to spectacular recipes for what to do with all those leftovers.

And why stop at Thanksgiving? Why not the Fourth of July? Memorial Day? Christmas? Yom Kippur? ANY DAY YOU WANT! IT’S COMFORT FOOD. IT’S HEALTHY FOOD. IT’S AMERICAN FOOD.

So stop eating Turkey! It’s so played! Eat Bald Eagle and consume Purple Moutains Majesty rather than looking at them in the crude, profanity laced pictorials of Entertainment Weekly.

United Statesedly,
MIKEY

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