I was originally planning on another “Objects of Hatred” list, but then I realized that given my current appearance and the nature of those posts, I was but a few short and painful steps from becoming David Spade. I also noticed that Black Eyed Peas chanteuse Fergie’s new horrible single London Bridge was clearly overwhelming everything else on this list. Being a man of science, I thought the most fitting way to attack the issue would be a complete societal examination and deconstruction of said “song” to explore it’s terrifying origins and far more horrifying implications. One might even view this particular post as a companion piece to Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth.

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Historical Precedence Leading Up To London Bridge and Future Implications

Many thing have happened in history. A large portion of events have been mistakes. As the late 20th Century and early 21st Century have indicated, progress in virtually every aspect of human achievement has ramped up on an exponential level due to the propagation and convenient access to communal information, and the amount of mistakes is no exception to this rule. Observe how cultural and scientific mistakes become more and more frequent as present day approaches:

1500s: Spanish Inquisition
1864: John Wilkes Booth shoots Abraham Lincoln in the face
1920: Josef Stalin punches Dmitri Shostakovich in the face
1971: Bay City Rollers
1998: Armageddon
2001: 9/11
2003: Kelis releases Milkshake
2004: Gwen Stefani releases Hollaback Girl
2005: Shaggy releases Temperature
2005: Black Eyed Peas release My Humps
2006: Fergie releases London Bridge

So clearly given this rise, we will be privy to a cultural mistake roughly every seven to ten days by the end of this year, nearly all of them in the musical field. That number will shrink as broadband internet access continues to become faster and more widespread. By 2010, a wifi receiver transplanted directly into the frontal lobe of every citizen of The Remaining States of America will pick up a consistent stream of nonmelodic grunts and unmeasured blasts of midi beats created and mixed in real time by the hottest recording stars, thus creating a “pop-culture soup hose” that will keep you docile and constantly entertained.

In the meantime, plans are afoot for Fergie’s next single, Nuh Guh! which was written by a popular songwriter who recently had a massive stroke who has lost the ability to craft discernible melody, rhythm or lyric.

Religious Implications

If you sign into the iTunes Music Store and view the entry for London Bridge, you will see that the track has four “composers,” much like St. John of Patmos wrote of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death. End of Days Adventists and Apocalypse junkies should take particular heed here, as demonstrated by this Venn diagram (click for a larger view):

Recent events and ancient prophecy pin Fergie as the central event heralding the shitstorm heading our way. The song has been within the top two download slots on iTunes in the last few weeks, yet the user-contributed capsule reviews indicate that the song is universally hated by all. This begs the following questions: is the approval/disapproval of the quality of the song the final test to see who ascends in the rapture? Given the number of people who don’t like the song, does that mean that those of us who can’t take the funk are destined to be “Left Behind?” Or is the top chart position a sign of actions by the Beast?

Physics

In the purely theoretical realm, there is potential that, much like in Walter Tevis’ 1963 novel and Nicholas Roeg’s subsequent film The Man Who Fell To Earth, the hit single actually may be a communication to beings of higher existence. Instead of broadcasting messages to another planet, London Bridge may actually be intended to be listened to by dwellers of the fifth dimension or above. Here in our plane of existence, we listen to music with our ability to see but not manipulate the fourth dimension, duration. I confusingly discussed this concept in my horrible 2002 film, Tempus Fugitives (which will never be seen again), but the bottom line is that London Bridge” can be listened to or viewed as a “time snake” or a piece of a puzzle that has a tangible meaning that is far out of our reach of comprehension. Observe:

Progressing further and further into dimensional complexity, there exists an immeasurable point in which all remixes and edits of the song will exist concurrently and infinitely.

Lyrical Commentary

My comments are in blue.

Oh shit (oh shit) (x3)
Off to a good start here. Correct me if I’m wrong, but is this a reference to Shakespeare, who began most of his sonnets by repeating “Liest in my lap, wench!”?
Are you ready for this?
About 80%
Oh shit (oh shit)
It’s me, Fergie
Okay!
Paulo!
Wait, who?
Fergie Ferg, what’s up, baby?
I assume this is the “call and respond” method which is popular. This method sucks.
[Verse 1]
When I come to the club, step aside.
Pop the seats, don’t be heavy in the line.
Fergie will be on Celebrity Fit Club in 2011. She’s going to be really fat.
V.I.P., ‘cause you know I gotta shine.
I’m Fergie Ferg, let me love you long time
Sixteen years ago, Two Live Crew (who I assume she is referencing because she doesn’t come across as being able to comprehend Full Metal Jacket) came under fire for being far less untalented than Fergie and equally as childishly vulgar. They will remain in the tomes of pop culture history because of a court-fought victory for free speech that punctuated the end of their career. This is their ultimate progeny: crass, classless and stupid. Thanks for defending the constitution, assholes! Nobody asked!
All my girls get down on the floor,
Back to back, drop it down real low.
I’m such a lady, but I’m dancing like a ho,
I thought hoes specialized in the fucking, not the dancing.
‘Cause you know
I don’t give a fuck, so here we go!
I wrote lyrical couplets like these when I was seven or eight. Fergie is 31. So not only is she too old to be this stupid, but she is also more likely to die during childbirth.
[Chorus] (x2)
How come everytime you come around,
My London, London bridge, wanna go down like,
London, London, London, wanna go down like,
London, London, London, we goin’ down like…
First of all, like most morons know, London Bridge is not the iconic Tower Bridge depicted on the cover of the single. London Bridge was a shitty little stone bridge that was disassembled and sold to Arizona for a large sum of money (it should be noted, also, that Arizona doesn’t observe Martin Luther King Day simply because it is an evil state). Second of all, I’m having a very difficult time parsing this metaphor: is the London Bridge supposed to represent your pants/dress/underpants?
[Bridge]
The drinks start pouring,
And my speech start slurring,
Everybody start looking real good.
I remember when I got drunk for the first time too (special thanks to Sir Steve Martin).
[Verse 2]
The Grey Goose got your girl feeling loose.
Now I’m wishin’ that I didn’t wear these shoes. (I hate heels)
No shit.
It’s like everytime I get up on the dude,
Paparazzi put my business in the news.
Well, I’m not losing sleep over your “business” like I am over Baby Surri, Vaughniston, or Brangelina. If you’re not plussed by attention from the Paparazzi in this regard, you should consider putting an end to liberally dolling out public hand jobs.
And I’m like get up out my face, (oh shit)
‘fore I turn around and spray your ass with mace. (oh shit)
My lips make you wanna have a taste. (oh shit)
You got that?
I got the bass.
I’m going to leave this one alone, as it just paints a far too confusing picture to get into.
Fuck you, bitches.

And scene.

Conclusions

Kill yourself, it’s going to get worse.