Dear Sen. John Kerry (D-MA),

I don’t want to be your friend any more. You blew it, yet you keep writing me to tell me just about every whim that enters your head. Please stop sending me mail.

Somewhere along the line, I must have signed up on the internet to show my support for you during last year’s doomed endeavor and thus began the deluge of missives. At first it was cute, with subject headers like “the truth about the Bush campaign!” and “come out and vote for us on Tuesday!” but now it’s sad, and, frankly, a tad creepy. More so now that you’ve got no reason to talk to me. I envision myself in a high-end midtown deli, on line waiting to purchase some Dentyne TANGO! gum, when you spy me from the salad bar where you’ve just loaded up a half-pound of macaroni and cheese. All of a sudden I feel a large, wrinkly paw on my shoulder and turn to find you, John Kerry, with your open plastic container of day-old pasta in the other hand, looking back at me with those sad, sad eyes.

“I just wanted to let you know why I voted in the Senate Foreign Relations Committee against the nomination of Dr. Condoleezza Rice for Secretary of State,” you say in that drawn-out, rumbling lilt of yours.

Confused and uncomfortable, I respond with a simple “okay…” and attempt to back away, but your grip is far too powerful.

It’s clear you’ve been in the deli all day, and you need to move on.

After losing the election, it was nice to see that you sent a heartfelt and moving letter to all of your supporters, but that should have been the end of it. Instead, here’s what happened:

Date: 11/08/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: Two words, my fellow Americans: Halo 2.

Date: 11/11/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: Our next steps together.

Date: 11/13/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: Anyone wanna hang next weekend?

Date: 11/16/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: Donald Rumsfeld is such a CUNT!

Date: 11/22/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: Soooooo stoned…..

Date: 11/26/04
From: John Kerry and Family
Subject: Happy Thanksgiving from me and whatsherass!

Date: 12/03/04
From: Chief John Kerry
Subject: Your Assistance Is Needed
(The body of this mail elaborated that your father, a Chieftain in the Sierra Leone had died, leaving you a bulk shipment of PlayStation 2s, and that you needed me to help arrange for you to have them exported to America. My reward would have been one of the PS2s.)

Date: 12/10/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: PLS READ

Date: 12/14/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: FWD: Friendster to start charging! Please forward!

Date: 12/15/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: Sen. Edwards and I are not ashamed about what happened in the sauna in St. Paul last summer.

Date: 12/16/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: LOL!

Date: 12/20/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: McGriddles RAWK!

Date: 12/25/04
From: John Kerry and Family
Subject: Merry Christmas from me and Frigid Bitch!

Date: 12/26/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: My sincerest apologies to Theresa Heinz-Kerry.

Date: 12/31/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: dRUNK.

Date: 1/06/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: Does anyone want to split a house off campus?

Date: 1/07/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: Sooooooo stoned…

Date: 1/10/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: Check out this survey and find out which Harry Potter character you are!!!!!!

Date: 1/13/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: “Coach Carter” THIS FRIDAY!

Date: 1/16/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: You guys are all like my best friends!

Date: 1/17/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: Wanted: Bassist

Date: 1/17/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: Whoops, never mind.

Date: 1/18/04
From: John Kerry
Subject: what the FUCK is this THING on my FACE?!

As you can see, it’s too much. Were it just a constant barrage of Vikadin/Viagra junk mails, I would dismiss it, but you generally don’t see a general decay of spirit run a logical course. That, and you’ve snaked your way through my junk mail filter.

In conclusion, leave me alone, get help, and good luck.

From,
MIKEY

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