While the mainstream news media has mostly - and justifiably - relegated the tragic story of Natalie Holloway’s Aruban abduction to the back burner, the story is being exploited regularly on tabloid programs such as Geraldo at Large. Despite this, it still is mildly newsworthy.

But the Tyra Banks show?

Having pissed off the Chinese government enough times to face the punishment of being forced to watch her chat show, I can safely say that she is dumb. A swift blow to the head might actually jar the french onion dip in her cranium to raise her IQ two or three points, but it’s not going to be sufficient for anything that comes out of her mouth (other than breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a snack) to carry any worth. Let alone net her the value to host an hour of television. She recently ran an episode in which she went undercover at a strip club and was shocked and disturbed at (a) what the strippers were doing and (b) how the men were reacting.

Here’s a question for Ms. Banks: when you were a runway model, did you happen to be in a coma? My four year old cousin knows what goes on in a strip club. Strippers do terrible things to men’s pants while the men get all drooly, and it’s legal. Meanwhile, one need only pick up a copy of Hello! or OK! or Cheerio! or any stupid British tabloid to know that the life of a fashion model goes like this:

1:45 PM : wake up with head over toilet seat, take five minutes to realize that you are in a hotel suite
1:50 PM : blow two lines of cocaine
2:25 PM : lunch
2:35 PM : vomit
4:45 PM : fitting for show
5:30 PM : lunch
5:40 PM : best friend happens to have crystal meth, do that
6:10 PM : you’ve got a dog!
7:00 PM : show
8:00 PM : drunk
8:30 PM : fellate German banking heir
9:10 PM : blow six lines of cocaine
9:45 PM : vomit
10:10 PM : fellate Italian banking heir
11:00 PM : lunch
11:15 PM : lose Blackberry
12:00 AM : drunk
1:15 AM : blow nine lines of cocaine
2:45 AM : shoot up with a guy who’s in the Strokes
6:45 AM (two days later): sleep

Apply, rinse, repeat.

And she’s disturbed by the goings on of a strip club?

So my point is that, yeah, she’s fucking stupid. But today, Tyra was interviewing the friends and family of Natalie Holloway. I didn’t watch it; it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The line between journalist and supermodel is rapidly blurring, it’s only a matter of time before the intrepid yet ugly Woodword and Bernstiens of the world are replaced by Kate Mosses and Naomi Campbells. Dan Rather’s 1968 Democratic convention shoving-match will be chicken shit in comparison with the cell phone chucking antics of this new generation of SuperJournalists. David Halberstam? Busted goods! Molly Sims, I wanna hear the news from YOU! Larry King, you look like donkey shit! I want to see Heidi Klum interviewing Ryan Seaquest!
In conclusion, “Matt, you’re glib.”

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