I apologize to any mentally challenged readers when I say that this week’s weather has just been flat out retarded.
That said, I was in the movies today seeing a modest little independent art film called Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, which was quite enjoyable in spite of what was surely a very tight budget. I really hope word gets out on this one, as it’s a movie I think people would enjoy! Walking out of the theater, I had a few ideas for summer movies (again), and seeing as that my specialty appears to be lists of shit, here we go!

• Sarsgaard & Skarsgard. Peter Sarsgarard and Stellan Skarsgard portray themselves, only they have decided to shed their roles of actors to become Scandinavian private eyes.

• Disney & Pixar’s Toilets. With the success of Cars behind us, Lasseter et al. give us a CG peek in on the secret lives of toilets. Look for Pixar veteran John Ratzenberger as the lovable foil, “Shitty.”

• Dakota Fanning Gets Raped. There actually is a movie coming out in which Dakota Fanning’s character gets raped; however I think that they should take a page from Snakes on a Plane’s book and not get creative with the title.

• Taco Bell: The Movie. Matt Damon and Paul Giamatti star as petty criminals who get more than they bargained for when the big score they’re in on opens a door to a multinational, billion-dollar conspiracy that threatens to shake the very foundation of civilization to its core.

• Basic Instinct 4

• The Mel Gibson Summer Project. Detective Riggs (sans Detective Murtaugh) single handedly defends Malibu from throngs of baby-starved, pointy-horned Jews looking to cause trouble.

• Xenu! Produced by John Travolta, a musical interpretation of the tenets of Scientology.

If you’ve got any good ideas let me know. Praise Xenu!

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