I was standing in line at Duane Reade waiting for the acne-scarred microencephaletic helming the one open register for a line of twenty to figure out that the where the UPC for a Christmas card was when I was struck on the back of the head with a billyclub.

When I awakened, I was privy to the fluorescent buzz of the offices of VH-9/Enterbatainment Weekly, the cruel media conglomerate whose sole purpose is to produce list-driven clip shows and top ten list sidebars (they publish a whole magazine of sidebars). A mid-level executive placed a laptop in front of me, on which a RSS-feed aggregator was open. Every tech blog, every Digg submission, every Apple evangelist site, every cable news web presence…every entry was a list. Top ten this, top five that.

“We’re losing ground,” the executive said. “We need your help.”

“My help? Nobody reads my crap. I had a bigger audience on LiveJournal,” I responded.

“But you’re a tremendous whore.”

“Well, yes! I sure am! What do you want me to do? Compile a list of shit from 2006 that is better than a handful of celebrity meltdowns?”

“Fuck yeah!”

“Larger and meatier than a random list of some nerd’s favorite smartphones?”

“FUCK yeah!”

“More erotic and greasy than a slab of the year’s best secret video game codes?”

“Go, Mendelini,” the executive said. “Go and craft us the greatest list ever of this year. Let the Lord’s stinking light flow through your pen and onto the screens and hearts of web travelers from here to Namibia and pray to shit that nothing else awesome appears between now and the thirty-first!”

51. Nokia N-Gage: Cell phone? A Tony Hawk game? Sign me the fuck up!

50. The TV-Watch: Finally I can watch TV on my wrist! Is this the future? Shave my head and give me the standard jumpsuit, as this all-white background dictates it sure is!

49. Slam Poetry: 2006 was your year, art form!

48. Star Wars: Finally, after all these years, we can buy the DVD again! Here’s looking forward to the next one, George!

47. Television Commercials: The black guy with the ironic afro always knows why your cell phone doesn’t work!

46. T-Mobile Sidekick: Aside from being a phone, it improves hand-eye coordination while walking down the street!

45. Diabetes: It’s the new black!

44. House Music: It’s still around and you can still hear it in the bathroom!

43. iPod: What is this thing?

42. Dane Cook: He’s this generation’s Jimmy Fallon!

41. PlayStation 3: And you thought they were done with the PlayStation 2! What’s next? A PlayStation 4?

40. Tyra Banks: Honest AND giving!

39. The Cylons: Sorry, Admiral Adama, you guys got Pwned on New Caprica, there.

38. JonBenet Ramsey: Back in the news, dancing into our hearts!

37. Mission: Impossible III: I smell Oscar. I smell three.

36. 2004: Way better in 2006!

35. Michael Richards: Kramer is back and he’s edgy! Look out comedy!

34. Dancing With The Stars: Culture!

33. MySpace: Seriously, would someone explain this thing to me!

32. Ben Stiller: Pff pff pff pff!

31. Cobb Salad: No olives, please!

30. MiniDisc: Still good to go!

29. Batteries: Not included!

28. YouTube: Greatest cinematic discourse forum ever!

27. Anorexic Models: Lookin’ good! Again!

26. Night of the Hunter: I love this movie! I should watch it again!

25. Error 404: My cat just yelled at me!

24. Bosom Buddies: That’s where Tom Hanks got famous!

23. Binary Code: 10100111010101110110!

22. Brains: Delicious! TAINTED!

21. Gwen Stefani: You’re like 900 years old!

20. Testicles: Stop punching me in the!

19. Dead People: They’re everywhere!

18. Lidsay Lohan: Encore! Author!

17. Fire: Water!

16. Blip: Blerp!

15. Vomit: Fifty pounds worth!

14. Head-On: Apply directly to the head!

13. The Cat: “Mikey, you are stupid!”

12. The Government: Trying to “get” me.

11. Snoopy: Irrelevant.

10. Bugs: Do they go to heaven?

9. e-Mail: Stupid fad.

8. Money Gun: Shoot me with it!

7. Dancing Baby: Due for a comeback.

6. Dangling Participles: Writing the blog post, the universe collapsed!

5. The Universe: Collapsing!

4. The iPod: Wait, listen….

3. Vortex: Being dragged into!

2. Will Smith: Brilliant!

1. Post: Burning up, but look at the fjords!

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